I experienced intense parentification growing up. I took the responsibility for my parent’s feelings and I was often more of a parent to them than them being a parent to me

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Apr 4, 2023

This blog is an excerpt from our mini-therapy on this discomfort.

what is a discomfort?

what is a mini-therapy?

Note: For the most optimal experience, try the mini-therapy on the ‘being’ app :’)

the excerpt:

Hi there! I am so glad to see you here. It takes a lot of courage to show up for yourself! My goal is to help you feel validated and seen as you work your way through this therapy.

Growing up in an environment where you were the emotional caretaker of your parents is not fair. As a child, it is never your responsibility to take on the role of a parent. I am so sorry that this happened to you.

Before we get started, make sure that you are seated in a comfortable position. Maybe grab a hot cup of tea, coffee, or water. The more comfortable you are, the more your body can relax and allow you to be present.

The following exercise allows you to follow the prompt as it guides you through a breathing exercise. Notice how you feel now and then again after you finish the exercise. Is your body more relaxed? Do you think that your mind is clearer?

Breathing Exercise Tool

I hope that you are feeling more relaxed. Let’s start off with some general information about how parentification impacts us.

Instead of being allowed to be a child, you were put in a position where you had to be the parent. There are two types of parentification, emotional and instrumental.

Emotional parentification is when the child is expected to diffuse arguments, is relied upon for emotional support, or may be expected to keep secrets from the other parent.

On the other hand, instrumental parentification is when the child takes on household operations, like cooking dinner, paying bills, making doctor’s appointments, etc.

You might find that you fit into one or both categories.

I want to help you understand why parentification can lead to things like PTSD, anxiety, depression, and codependency.

Our number one emotional need as humans is to feel connected. So, as children, we do whatever we must to feel connected and seen in our family growing up. In other words, what did you have to do so that you felt like your presence in the family was validated?

If you felt like the only way you felt a sense of belonging (connectedness) was to soothe your parents; emotional needs or take on the responsibility of an adult, then you might begin to form the narrative that you are responsible for other peoples’ happiness.

From this perspective, it is easy to see how codependency begins to develop. After all, how do we learn to set boundaries for ourselves, trust other people, and have a secure sense of who we are if our parents taught us that we are only as good as we can make them feel?

How are you doing so far? I hope that this is allowing you to begin to make sense of things. The obstacles you face now could be tied to the person you were expected to be as an adult. This is not your fault.

Reflective Question Tool

Prompt: How did you feel the most validated in your family? Take some time to write down ways you were required to behave or things you felt you needed to do to feel loved by your family?

Children need nurturing, support, and unconditional love. Children should never be expected to be responsible for their parent’s well-being. I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

We will move on to some strategies and tools you can use to help begin your journey of empowerment. Before we do that, let’s do a check-in.

Mindfulness - Do Nothing Tool

Let’s do a self Check In: Take a minute to check in with yourself. How are you feeling emotionally right now? Do you feel tension anywhere in your body? If you do, stay with me for a while and just breathe.

Before we move forward, I’d like to point out that if, at any time during this therapy, you find that you need to take a break, I encourage you to honor that. It’s okay to step away and come back when you are ready. This is a lot of information, and you might find those traumatic memories begin to emerge. If this happens, first, know that you are safe. You are not in your childhood home anymore.

Remember, you are allowed to go at your own pace.

Do resourcing if you feel triggered: If you feel triggered by any emotions that come up, I encourage you to pause and anchor yourself before moving on. Here are a few things that you can do to calm your body. Come back to this portion of the therapy whenever you like to recenter yourself.

Remind yourself that you are safe. If you have a blanket, pillow, or anything that you use to calm yourself, I encourage you to get that now and keep it near you.

Put an ice pack (or frozen vegetables) on your chest. This will help activate the calming response in your body.

Get up and move around. Changing scenery helps the body to reset.

Drink some cold water. This also helps to calm the body.

Now, let’s get back to addressing our discomfort.

You probably felt so lonely growing up in your family. Because you had to meet the needs of your parent, you never had anyone to meet your needs. This can develop into a lack of ability to trust other people. After all, if we couldn’t trust our parents to meet our needs, how can we ever be expected to trust other people, right?

My guess is that you feel a bit lonely now too. You want to trust other people but think that your needs can only be met if you meet their needs first. Or you may believe that you are not allowed to have needs at all. As an adult, you might avoid intimate relationships to protect yourself from getting hurt. While this is a common consequence of being parentified, it sure doesn’t make life easy, does it?

Codependency is often something we learn in childhood when we are implicitly or explicitly told that our needs don’t matter. As we strive to feel connected, we learn that we need to put our needs aside. Codependency muddies the waters of our identity because we begin to tell ourselves that we are only as good as the people around us tell us we are.

For people that struggle with codependency, self-care feels like the enemy. Typically codependent people do not practice self-care because it threatens their protection in the relationship. Some things to begin to heal from codependent behavior,

Practice self-care and self-love.

Practice emotion awareness and regulation

Practice self-soothing behaviors

Setting healthy boundaries

I will walk you through how to do these things in what follows.

Talking about Self-Care

Self-care is hard, I know. You might find it feels selfish because you are not used to showing up for yourself. But it doesn’t have to be something as big as going on a week-long yoga vacation. Self-care can start small. Doing things like getting your hair done, exercising, going on a date with yourself to a movie.

Reflective Question Tool

Question: In what ways can you begin to practice self-care today?

Next is Emotion Awareness and Regulation

Because you were never parented in a way that allowed your needs to be met, it is important to learn to re-parent yourself so that you can give yourself the nurturing your parents did not.

Guided Journaling Tool

Here are two questions that I encourage you to write the answers to. You might need to give them some thought:

What do you wish your parents knew about you?

Envision a younger version of yourself; as your adult self, what would you like your younger self to know?

The answers to these questions will help you begin to uncover the wounded parts of yourself that need healing.

So far we’ve addressed the first 2 steps to overcome co-dependency that is: practicing self-care and emotion awareness and regulation.

Now we move on to one self-soothing technique that we call: notice, name, and nurture.

Let’s start with notice:

I know that this might sound strange, but I want to encourage you to notice the younger version of yourself that comes up when you begin to tell yourself a story that you are not allowed to feel your feelings, set boundaries, experience meaningful relationships, or something else. For instance, you notice your 10-year-old self emerging.

Then name:

Now I want you to name the emotion that comes up. For instance, maybe it is your 10-year-old self telling you that mom will be sad if you go to the movies with your friends because she will be lonely.

Finally, nurture:

Here’s where I want you to speak to that 10-year-old self as your present-day self and validate them. For example: Hey (10-year-old self), I’m so sorry you were not allowed to go to the movies with your friends. You deserved to have fun even if (parent) was having a bad day.

This exercise allows you to identify and name your emotions, which is probably something you were never taught to do.

Guided Journaling Tool

Try doing this exercise for one event from your childhood

Lastly, let’s discuss developing boundaries.

Boundaries are one of the hardest things to do. Would you agree? You know that they are essential, but they feel really scary! We often think of boundaries as bad, but let’s reframe that narrative.

Boundaries are not meant to break relationships but to keep them.

Boundaries keep you protected from getting taken advantage of. They allow you to say no to people and situations that do not align with your values.

I know it’s hard. I struggle with boundaries sometimes too! The first thing to do is to see where you want boundaries.

Reflective Question Tool

To do that, you will want to answer the following questions:

What in my life causes me stress? (ex: when I have too much on my agenda)

In what areas of my life do I feel exhausted? (ex: when people complain to me)

What makes me feel safe, supported, and valued?

To answer question #3, I want you to draw a circle. Inside it, write all the things that come to mind that make you feel safe and valued and less stressed. Things like: structure, when people follow through, punctuality, words of affirmation, being with my dog, autonomy, etc

On the outside of the circle, write down all the things that challenge those things: When (x person) changes meeting times regularly, when (x person) makes plans with me and doesn’t keep them when (x person) can’t keep a secret

Now that you have completed this exercise, you will better understand where you will want to begin setting boundaries.

So here’s the tricky part.

Now that you know where you want boundaries in your life, you have to communicate them. This can be tough, especially when you learned that it is not okay for you to set boundaries.

If you find that you begin telling yourself that message, remember to “notice, name, and nurture” to remind your younger self that you have the right to set boundaries.

Phrases that you can say that will help you set a boundary:

I will be picking you up precisely at (time). I would really appreciate you respecting my time and not making me wait.

I care about you and want to help, but I do have plans. Perhaps we can talk when I get home.

I will have to leave in an hour (this is a preemptive boundary if you are going to an event you know you do not want to stay at).

I know that this is a topic you would like to discuss, but I am not prepared to have this conversation right now.

Identifying and creating boundaries in your life will help you practice self-care and create a calmer, safer environment for yourself.

The 4 steps we learned today are aimed at helping you with your codependency. I understand that some of the exercises in this therapy might be tougher than others. Don’t beat yourself up if you needed to pause.

I encourage you to notice and honor what your body and thoughts are telling you.

I want to thank you for allowing me to be a part of your journey. You have been through a lot, and it will take some work to get where you want to be. But if you keep moving in the direction of your values, pay attention to your needs, and practice these tools, you will get there. At the end of the day, always remember, you are worth the effort it takes to live an empowered life.

Take care, and just be 💜