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Apr 6, 2023
This blog is an excerpt from our mini-therapy on this discomfort.
what is a discomfort?
Discomfort is anything that could be stopping you from achieving what you really want to achieve. Any feeling or issue that you’re currently struggling with.
what is a mini-therapy?
A mini-therapy is hyper-personalized, bite-sized content delivered via an immersive and interactive therapy experience on the ‘being’ app. It’s designed by experienced mental health professionals and helps you work through a discomfort by using therapeutic interventions that they would use in in-person therapy.
Note: For the most optimal experience, try the mini-therapy on the ‘being’ app :’)
the excerpt:
Pediatricians often see something called ‘milestone anxiety’ among new parents in their practice. New parents are concerned about their kids learning to walk, talk, read, and write at the appropriate time.
This is understandable because it is rooted in biology and enough research demonstrates that there is in fact an appropriate time to achieve developmental milestones.
But when, as adults, we experience milestone anxiety, it is not rooted in any biological or scientific expectation or explanation. It is rooted in social or cultural expectations to achieve certain goals at a certain age.
The problem with this is that cultural expectations are often not set in stone. They are malleable and negotiable. They are ‘should bes’ that can become ‘maybe nots’, and not meeting social, interpersonal, or financial goals “on time” doesn’t always imply that we are inadequate.
But yes, it’s easier said than done.
Before we explore your discomfort, let’s take a moment to scan where in your body you feel it. Close your eyes and scan your body from your head to your toes. Do you notice any tightness? Pain? Tense muscles? Take note of these things, and as you exhale, imagine the uncomfortable sensations leaving your body.
If you feel okay physically, imagine a circle at the center of your chest, and picture it shrinking with each exhalation.
Let’s do this for another few breaths… As you exhale, imagine your body feeling lighter and more relaxed. Or, the circle becoming smaller in size.
Breathing Tool
When we feel left behind in life, we are at some level, comparing ourselves to those around us. Or, to a standard set for us by someone else, or even ourself. We feel left behind because we are not where we think we should be.
This ‘should be’ can be a certain level of achievement at work or in education. It can also be getting married or having a child, or making a certain amount of money. It can even be personality milestones - perhaps we expected that by this age, we would have had healthier romantic partnerships, balanced friendships, or healed our family wounds. It can even be lifestyle goals that we think should be accessible to us by now - vacations, shopping, and such.
Guided Journaling Tool
Prompt: In what sense do you feel ‘left behind’?
Prompt: Let’s also acknowledge the goals you have accomplished. Perhaps you’re behind in one area of your life, but on top of things in another? Maybe you’re behind in all, but are also growing in some areas?
Stagnation is the enemy, not slowness. Maybe you already know this. And I bet knowing that everyone has their own timeline, and there’s no one way to live your life doesn’t help. Of course!
That’s because our sense of self IS impacted by the people around us. I mean, we’re not cats! Although that would make life so much simpler, wouldn’t it?
How we view ourselves is impacted by our parents, peers, and even social media. Our sense of self and the ability to accomplish certain things are also dependent on the social structures we live in.
For example, many studies show that buying a house as a millennial - a big age milestone for boomers - is far more difficult than it was for the generations before them. This is because of high property prices and disproportionate incomes.
Yet, many millennials feel behind in life because they’re not homeowners yet. This is because they’re trying to fulfill the ‘should bes’ of a different social reality.
I wonder where your ‘should be' comes from. Why don’t we write it down?
Guided Journaling Tool
Prompt: What’s the source of the pressure you feel to meet milestones? Remember - it doesn’t have to be one thing.
So, how do we separate ourselves from this arbitrary timeline?
Oftentimes, when we compare our lives to those around us, we commit a thinking error called ‘all-or-nothing’ thinking. If your inner dialogue sounds something like, 'Everybody around me is so put together,’ or ‘everybody has a five-year plan’, you’re generalizing.
Some people have some things sorted out, and not others. That’s just how it is. And many people, like you, feel the pressure to present themselves as ‘put together’.
So, in moments like that, try to challenge that thought and look for grey areas. Maybe you find that while someone you know has their finances together, they are not satisfied with the work they are doing. Or, someone might be in a great relationship, but have few close friends.
Most importantly, search for your own grey areas, and focus on what IS working for you, no matter how small it may seem.
I’ll leave you with this thought.
Take care and just be! 💜